I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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