now i know why i became what i already was.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Houston, we have a squirter
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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