i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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