I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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