When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
