sarcasm needs its own font
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
