Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
