take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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