Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize