Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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