i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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