Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am naked and annoyed.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
