I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
