So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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