I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
