Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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