So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
