the day after is always just damage control
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
