can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
