3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
