im six kinds of drunk right now
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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