Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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