I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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