life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
