Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
