drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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