I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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