jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize