I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
