I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
