i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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