yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
