There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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