Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
