how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
