Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
