OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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