Can Purell be used as lube?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
