he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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