I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
