If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
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