I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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