everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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