I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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