If i come over, it means nothing
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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