I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
