so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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