I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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