I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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