He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
