I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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