If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
