Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I love you. Go after that dick
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
