Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
