I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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