Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
