me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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