I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
