**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
