My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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